I Tumbl’d
I haven’t been on tumblr in a while but now I have something to say. Everyone makes me sick with those new year, new me phrases. Everyone always declares change for the new year and by the end of the year they are doing the same shit they were doing last year. I never participate in the new year, new me. I may set a goal for the year for myself but that is different. My new goals are very hard and I hope that I can actually achieve them.
I want to be nicer, I don’t like that anyone could look at me and my actions and feel that I am selfish, pessimistic, and purposefully rude. Sometimes I do tend to be more than blunt but it’s just how I am. I really want to turn this thing around and be nicer. I don’t want to be “the meanest” of the group. It’s all good when you are watching me be the mean one. Step in my shoes and you see that people only want you to be the mean one when it’s convenient for them. It’s okay for you to say what’s on your mind if they are thinking it but the moment that thought leaves their mind you are supposed to just forget they ever told you they felt that way. It’s like I can be mean to whoever I want, just as long as they are my friend or something. If I don’t consider them a friend then my meanness is just seen as being an asshole even if they do know my general interactions with everyone. Neither here nor there. I am tired of being accountable for actions. It’s tiring. One minute I try to be nice the next someone doesn’t want me to then they get mad because I’m being mean again. It’s a no win situation. So from now on I am going to be nice. Period. the Rant/Venting goes on……
I wish I could see inside people’s minds. I wish I knew what they were thinking. How they felt about certain situations. I am in a situation and I don’t know where it is going to go. I wish I did. It’s cool. It’s calm. It’s not demanding. I am very content and comfortable. But I kind of want more. I don’t want more if that means I can’t have anything but at the same time if more means nothing then is it really worth it in the first place. It’s great in my mind. I wonder what it’s like in their mind. I hope it doesn’t seem like I am overdoing it or not being truthful or withholding. I think I’m going to stop talking about it because when I don’t talk about it, it’s fine. When I do then I second guess it. Granted I have some insecurities and I should probably look to work around them and/or solve them. But for now until I find a solution, just going with it is where I’m going. the Rant/Venting goes on……
I want to continue to grow with this other situation but I’m not sure how sincere it is. I don’t want it to be fake. I don’t want it to be just because of my actions. [sidebar: I feel like throwing up] but anyway. I just want it to be worth it. I don’t want to waste my time. I hope I’m not wasting my time. Sigh.. the Rant/Venting is almost over……
I want to reconcile. I want to not feel bad about that. I want to feel better about that. I don’t want to waste time being upset only to regret not forgiving. However I seriously can’t see myself forgiving or forgetting right now. The contemplation I must endure. the Rant/Venting is over……
for now I suppose.
In My Mind !.
